I apologize for not writing in such a long time! I guess the writing bug hasn't been biting me as frequently as I would like. Today's post might seem a bit Eeyore and I'm sorry for that. As you may or may not know, I recently had to say goodbye to my sweet 5 month old puppy, Stella, after a tragic accident. I won't go into the details because honestly, I haven't cried yet today and I'd like to try and keep it that way.
On Sunday night, after the accident, my mom and brother came to town to stay with me for the night. My mom brought along a book by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife - he's a Christian singer if you haven't heard of him) called "Choosing to See." As I stood in my bathroom, taking off what little make-up my tears didn’t wash off, my mom came in with the book and said "I bought this book thinking it would help me, but maybe God meant it for you." You see, my family is not new to tragedy. We lost my dad just 3 years ago due to a brain aneurysm. When the vet told us Stella wasn't going to make it, it was like a wound that hadn't fully healed had just ripped back open - leaving me heartbroken, exposed, vulnerable, dependent, guilty, and insane with grief. Now say what you want, "oh she was just a dog" "you shouldn't be that upset over an animal"- but I don't care, Stella was my baby.
I started reading the book Wednesday and couldn't put it down. I tried my best (to no avail) to hold back the tears as I read at my desk, or in the break room eating lunch, or outside in the courtyard, and even in my bed where my little girl had laid beside me just a few days prior. Today is Friday and I'm already finished reading it! I don't want to turn this post into a book review, but I just want to share how it's helped me get through these first few days without my baby girl.
In short, the book is about Mary Beth's life and how it hasn't turned out as she planned. It's centered on the death of her 5 year old daughter, Maria. Her 17 year old son, Will, accidentally hit her with his car while coming into their driveway. The beginning of the book focuses a lot on Mary Beth's struggles throughout her entire life, not just her daughter's death. Again, not going into a book review, but she faced a lot of hard times and she's struggled with God to understand why these things happen, how she is supposed to go on, what happens next, etc.
I have to be honest here, when I first started reading it I thought, "Ok, I'll read about someone with a really bad life and it will make me feel better about my life." But that's not at all how I feel about it now that I've finished reading it. Throughout the book, she includes scriptures and lyrics from her husband's songs that just seem to speak to my heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I, like Mary Beth and her family, have been struggling with guilt. Mary Beth thinks she should have been watching Maria when the accident happened. Will wishes he would have seen Maria as he drove into the driveway. Shaoey (another one of Mary Beth's daughters) thinks she shouldn't have told Maria to go get Will and ask him to help her on the monkey bars. And me - I think I should have stayed home, I shouldn't have left my little girl, and I should never have taken off her E-collar. There's still a major part of me that still believes the guilt, but reading how they worked through their unnecessary remorse is helping me deal with mine.
When I finished the book, all I kept thinking was how life on Earth is sort of like when I'm watching a movie with a happy ending that I've already seen before. I watch the character go up and down. They experience all this happiness in the beginning and then all of a sudden they face hard times - whether it's their partner cheating on them or somebody dying or losing their job or whatever it is, their life sucks according to them. And I'm just sitting there watching it all happen, but I know how things are going to turn out in the end because I've already seen the movie, so I just want to reach through the screen and grab them and scream, EVERYTHING REALLY IS GOING TO BE OKAY, stop worrying, just wait until the end of the movie!
It's kind of like how all these things are destined to happen in our lives- whether it's good or bad things - but God knows how everything is going to work out in the end. He's always known. He knew even before we were all born what was going to happen to us. You've just got to trust that He knows what He's doing. I wonder if He's sitting up there in Heaven (like me re watching the movie) screaming at his children going through tough times, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY IN THE END, just trust me!
I remember a few months ago I read somewhere how bold it is to pray for God's will - that we really have to be careful when we pray for it and really mean it when we say it. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I pray for God's will in my life all the time, it's not that crazy." Then things started NOT going the way I had planned and now I'm kicking myself saying "why did I ask for His will, I want MY will!!" But then I realized no matter what I asked for, it's his plans and they're going to happen whether I like it or not. And I've just got to trust that He knows what He's doing.
This got me thinking about graduation day at my Alma mater, where it's tradition to decorate your cap. One of the things I put on my cap was one of my dad's favorite scriptures (and now mine), Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." If I only knew on graduation day how true those words of scripture would continue to be in every aspect of my life…
Getting back to the book, Mary Beth often talks about how God sent her little reminders after Maria's passing to let her know that she was okay. The first reminder was the word "SEE" that little Maria had written. Mary Beth's husband, Steven, found it in some of Maria's artwork. She was only in preschool and knew how to write a limited amount of words (SEE wasn't one of them). They guessed that Maria must have copied it from a list of words her sister, Stevey Joy, was trying to learn. They laughed and cried and thought of their Maria in Heaven saying, "SEE!? Everything's going to be okay!" "Seeing", especially CHOOSING to see, continues to be prevalent throughout the book, and now, as a result, in my own life.
After reading about these little reminders from Heaven, I found myself full with envy of a reminder for myself. In the past two days since I started reading the book, I've been looking everywhere! My boyfriend, Derek, and I, in an effort to get our minds off everything, went shopping last night. While out, I was secretly searching for a message from my girl in Heaven. I looked for her name on key chains, I looked for dogs that looked like her, I looked for paw prints - in other words, I was looking way too hard! I didn't get my message when I wanted it, but I did indeed get it….let me tell you how.
Prior to Stella's accident, I was in a sort of battle with God to understand why it was taking so long for Derek to find a job. After nine tedious months of filling out applications, networking, writing cover letters and constant praying, God finally brought him one. He actually just started last Monday and he loves it! I'm so happy for him, but I still didn't understand why God let it take nine months for it to happen. I didn't realize why until this morning actually, when God spoke to me. Now, in other times throughout my life, I thought He had spoken to me, but I was never quite sure - never confident enough that it was actually Him as opposed to my conscience. Today was different.
Ok I lied, He spoke to me after Stella's accident when I was driving home from Derek's house. I cried out loud to him, angry and in shock, and demanded to know why he had taken my Daddy 3 years ago and now my little girl. I screamed out loud, "What do you want from me?" All He said was, "you."
Back to this morning. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, just finishing up my normal shower routine, and all of a sudden it was there, right in my soul. I don't know how to describe it other than I just knew. It was almost as if God just implanted the words in my head. It just felt like relief, understanding and peace.
What He spoke was that He didn't give Derek a job for so long because he was destined to be with Stella. Almost every day since we got our precious girl on July 2, she spent the day with Derek while he was home job hunting. She had major separation anxiety and usually freaked out whenever we had to leave her home alone. It just made perfect sense that God chose Derek to be with Stella. Hearing what He said still didn't negate the fact that I was heartbroken and would do anything to get my little girl back, but it at least gave me some peace. And made me smile.
God spoke to my soul that he brought Stella to us so we could experience, first hand, her true and unconditional love, just as His love is for us. We gave her the best home any puppy could ask for and tried to be the best parents as we knew how. While spending her days at Derek's house, she made a best friend in Derek's roommate's pit bull, Luna. Everyday at 6:00pm, I scooted out of work as fast as I could to see my Derek and Stella! I feel so content in knowing that the majority of Stella's life was not spent at home alone while Mommy and Daddy were at work, but instead with those she loved the most around her constantly. I was also sick at home with what I think was a sinus infection on the day before she was taken to Heaven. We spent the entire day together in bed snuggling and enjoying being together. I think God blessed me with sickness that day so I could have one last day alone with her.
Another little reminder from God was what I found when I came back to work on Tuesday. Months ago, I had taken a note in my e-mail of a scripture that I thought was so powerful - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Through my zombie state, I happened to stumble upon the note I had written to myself months prior. It had a new meaning now and was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment to give me hope. I believe that God gave me that scripture months ago, knowing what would happen, so that I could find it when I needed it most and stand in awe of his faithfulness, mercy, and grace.
So here I am, writing this, not even a full week after Stella's death. Thank you so much to all of you who have lifted us up in prayer the past few days. Please continue to do so. I don't have things figured out, and I realize that I never will. Although God has given me peace and comfort already and I know He will continue to do so, I also know that the road ahead is still long and full of sadness. I'll leave you today with two of the many quotes from "Choosing to See" that absolutely warmed my heart and soul and made me SEE, that God, in fact, is GOOD!
"May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself."
"We believe that even those children who may not survive for very long are still little treasures whom God has put in our world to reveal something unique about Himself."
About Me
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Part One
DISCLAIMER: A lot of this is rambling about myself and my life, but maybe you are in the same boat as me and can relate. If so, enjoy.
So here I am. 22 years old and a college graduate. All of my life plans have always revolved around this stage in my life. It was all figured out. After high school, I'd go to college, and after college I'd start my marketing career; and eventually, one day, I'd start my own agency. I only wish life was as simple as I planned. Post grad life lesson #1: Things in life rarely go the way you have planned. Most of the time, you just have to stop worrying about how you think things will turn out and leave it up to God.
Ok, I'll get off my soap-box. Back to post grad life. You know on the first day of classes, when the professors would make you say some things about yourself to get acquainted with the class? Ok, well maybe only Meredith girls could understand that - I’m sure for those of you in classes of 300+ students, the situation was quite different. But anyways, I was always the one who told the class that my dream job was to start my own marketing agency one day. And the start to that would to be working my way up to the top in a local agency. Seems simple enough, right?
Well I guess it's harder than one would think, because now I'm not at all working in the field I went to school for. I work at a law firm. And I'm not going to be specific about it because I'm pretty sure that's against our "blogging policy." (Side note, funny how times have changed. I'm pretty sure my parent's generation would never have a blogging policy at their jobs or even know what blogging is until our generation came along. I guess this is truly "the digital era.") My official title is “word processor” which basically means I type, edit, and format legal documents all day. I guess you could say that all the editing I do at the law firm is preparing me for my other future dream job of copywriting for an agency, but that's about all the relevance my job has to do with my field. Note: I'm not saying I'm not appreciative of my job at all. I am so fortunate to even have a full-time job in this economy. Even in the 3 months I've been working, I've learned a lot about life and the professional world and working a "big girl" job in general. I'm simply saying that I would love to have a job in my field because I'm passionate about it.
So here's the issue. And I have a feeling I'm not the only one who struggled with this. EVERYBODY WANTS EXPERIENCE! The only jobs in your field that are willing to give you experience are either unpaid or sometimes paid, but not enough to even financially support yourself with. And now that I'm working full time I had to give up my internship at an agency which I loved because a girl's got to make a living. And we all know we can't live off our parents forever and we also know we can't live off minimum wage thanks to Barbara Ehrenreich's "Nickel and Dimed." Which can I say was an amazing and eye opening book and I'm so glad Dr. Grant made me read it in Research Methods even though I vividly remember bitching about having to read it and saying something along the lines of "he thinks his class is the only class I'm taking this semester." Post Grad life lesson #2: A lot of things in life you don't want to do, but you must do them because a few years down the road you'll understand that it helped you in some way. Ok, back on track again. To sum up this paragraph, I just think it would seriously be a miracle to find someone who will hire me for a decent paying job in my field who considers my 4 years of college and 2 internships (and many other life experiences not to be discussed here because they would make this post way too lengthy) are experience enough to give me a chance.
So semi change of subject, but still on the post grad topic, I met a friend out for lunch the other day and afterwards I got in my car and started fighting traffic to get back to the office. (Side note: I feel very old talking about fighting traffic trying to get to or from work. Next thing you know, I'll be listening to NPR and worried about my daily fiber intake. Lovely.) So anyways, I'm driving back to work and I'm sweating cause the A/C in my car doesn't work very well and I'm too poor/stupid about cars to fix it. And speaking of poor, that's one of the "joys" of post-grad life - everybody thinks that once you graduate, you will magically have a great career and all this money. News flash - it takes time to have money….for most people anyways, unless you win the lottery or have a trust fund or have mafia connections.
Ok, so I'm stopped at a red light and I just happen to glance at myself in the rear view mirror. It wasn't some out of the ordinary glance in the mirror, just a normal work day - but the thought just hit me like a book bag full of bricks (phrase stolen from my high school Spanish teacher). How did I become this person? It’s like that poster where the little kitten looks in the mirror and sees the lion, but instead I see the little kitten when I look in the mirror but really I’m the lion. Don’t know if that made any sense to you, so I’ll try to explain better. I’m wearing "dress slacks" (a term only my parents and grandparents used to use, but somehow now I’m saying stuff like “dang, I need to go shopping for some new dress slacks”), heels, a blouse - not a shirt, but a blouse - pearls, and my hair bobby pinned back so my bangs don't get in the way when I'm getting intense at work. I think I had some kind of outer body experience. I suddenly sunk into the feeling of me as a little girl when my mom started making me do chores or when she would make me call to order the pizza because it would help me learn how to do "grown up" things. I felt like the devil on my shoulder wanted me to have a tantrum and scream, "I don't wanna grow up!!" and never return back to the office but instead get on I-40E as quickly as possible and feed my hedonism by sitting on the beach for the rest of my days. But then the angel on my other shoulder kicked in and said "Stop it, you are so blessed to have a job and an education and family and boyfriend and friends who love you." And for that day at least, I went with the angel.
But, let's get back to the whole post-grad money situation. I think, at least in my case anyways, that people are actually worse post-grad (financially at least) because your parents stop paying for all your crap and it's all your responsibility now. No more weekend shopping trips for a cute new outfit with Mom and her credit card. Now its weekend shopping trips to Home Goods cause you're looking for things you wouldn't even think you would need to buy at 22 years old, like curtains and vases and decorative benches. Suddenly, you'd rather spend money on patio furniture than a hot clubbing dress.
And then there's the issue of staying in shape. Somebody please tell me how I ate whatever I wanted in college and worked out occasionally and stayed the same size? Now, I feel like Jello. That’s right, a blob of Jello. I guess that's what sitting at a desk all day will do. I've considered being one of those nerds who sits on an exercise ball instead of a chair at my desk. I've also considered bringing free weights and doing bicep curls when my workload is minimal. But for some reason, I don't think the attorneys would like it if I broke out in sit-ups or jumping jacks in my cubicle after lunch. So I've resorted to waking up at 6:30 a.m. and going to the gym at my apartment complex before work. At least my roommate has agreed to come with so it's not as terrible. Never in my most imaginative dreams did I foresee myself waking up at 6:30 a.m. to exercise. But my only other option is to work out half asleep after work when my puppy needs my attention since she's been in her crate all day. So 6:30 a.m. it is. But hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do - no more Jello please.
And lastly, there's the issue of grocery shopping. You can't just buy the normal processed foods you were used to eating in college. There's all this pressure to come home from work when you're exhausted and all you want to do is sit your ass on the couch and veg out all night. Sometimes I just want to eat hamburger helper - not the kind that you buy the meat separately for, but the kind that comes in a little bowl already made and all you have to do is microwave it. But sigh, I'm a young professional, I have to make something healthy and learn how to cook so I can be a good wife one day. And all I keep thinking is - "what the hell would I do if I had kids thrown into this equation?" I've learned to really admire my parents for working full-time and being full-time taxi drivers for me and my brothers and for keeping their marriage strong and for doing everything they did that now I'm about to have to do in a few years and I have no idea how I'll be able to do it.
For today, I will be cheesy and leave you with this quote until my next posting of post-grad exciting/non-exciting events:
“So often we try to alter circumstances to suit ourselves, instead of letting them alter us, which is what they are meant to do.” -Stolen from one of my Facebook friend’s about me section.
So here I am. 22 years old and a college graduate. All of my life plans have always revolved around this stage in my life. It was all figured out. After high school, I'd go to college, and after college I'd start my marketing career; and eventually, one day, I'd start my own agency. I only wish life was as simple as I planned. Post grad life lesson #1: Things in life rarely go the way you have planned. Most of the time, you just have to stop worrying about how you think things will turn out and leave it up to God.
Ok, I'll get off my soap-box. Back to post grad life. You know on the first day of classes, when the professors would make you say some things about yourself to get acquainted with the class? Ok, well maybe only Meredith girls could understand that - I’m sure for those of you in classes of 300+ students, the situation was quite different. But anyways, I was always the one who told the class that my dream job was to start my own marketing agency one day. And the start to that would to be working my way up to the top in a local agency. Seems simple enough, right?
Well I guess it's harder than one would think, because now I'm not at all working in the field I went to school for. I work at a law firm. And I'm not going to be specific about it because I'm pretty sure that's against our "blogging policy." (Side note, funny how times have changed. I'm pretty sure my parent's generation would never have a blogging policy at their jobs or even know what blogging is until our generation came along. I guess this is truly "the digital era.") My official title is “word processor” which basically means I type, edit, and format legal documents all day. I guess you could say that all the editing I do at the law firm is preparing me for my other future dream job of copywriting for an agency, but that's about all the relevance my job has to do with my field. Note: I'm not saying I'm not appreciative of my job at all. I am so fortunate to even have a full-time job in this economy. Even in the 3 months I've been working, I've learned a lot about life and the professional world and working a "big girl" job in general. I'm simply saying that I would love to have a job in my field because I'm passionate about it.
So here's the issue. And I have a feeling I'm not the only one who struggled with this. EVERYBODY WANTS EXPERIENCE! The only jobs in your field that are willing to give you experience are either unpaid or sometimes paid, but not enough to even financially support yourself with. And now that I'm working full time I had to give up my internship at an agency which I loved because a girl's got to make a living. And we all know we can't live off our parents forever and we also know we can't live off minimum wage thanks to Barbara Ehrenreich's "Nickel and Dimed." Which can I say was an amazing and eye opening book and I'm so glad Dr. Grant made me read it in Research Methods even though I vividly remember bitching about having to read it and saying something along the lines of "he thinks his class is the only class I'm taking this semester." Post Grad life lesson #2: A lot of things in life you don't want to do, but you must do them because a few years down the road you'll understand that it helped you in some way. Ok, back on track again. To sum up this paragraph, I just think it would seriously be a miracle to find someone who will hire me for a decent paying job in my field who considers my 4 years of college and 2 internships (and many other life experiences not to be discussed here because they would make this post way too lengthy) are experience enough to give me a chance.
So semi change of subject, but still on the post grad topic, I met a friend out for lunch the other day and afterwards I got in my car and started fighting traffic to get back to the office. (Side note: I feel very old talking about fighting traffic trying to get to or from work. Next thing you know, I'll be listening to NPR and worried about my daily fiber intake. Lovely.) So anyways, I'm driving back to work and I'm sweating cause the A/C in my car doesn't work very well and I'm too poor/stupid about cars to fix it. And speaking of poor, that's one of the "joys" of post-grad life - everybody thinks that once you graduate, you will magically have a great career and all this money. News flash - it takes time to have money….for most people anyways, unless you win the lottery or have a trust fund or have mafia connections.
Ok, so I'm stopped at a red light and I just happen to glance at myself in the rear view mirror. It wasn't some out of the ordinary glance in the mirror, just a normal work day - but the thought just hit me like a book bag full of bricks (phrase stolen from my high school Spanish teacher). How did I become this person? It’s like that poster where the little kitten looks in the mirror and sees the lion, but instead I see the little kitten when I look in the mirror but really I’m the lion. Don’t know if that made any sense to you, so I’ll try to explain better. I’m wearing "dress slacks" (a term only my parents and grandparents used to use, but somehow now I’m saying stuff like “dang, I need to go shopping for some new dress slacks”), heels, a blouse - not a shirt, but a blouse - pearls, and my hair bobby pinned back so my bangs don't get in the way when I'm getting intense at work. I think I had some kind of outer body experience. I suddenly sunk into the feeling of me as a little girl when my mom started making me do chores or when she would make me call to order the pizza because it would help me learn how to do "grown up" things. I felt like the devil on my shoulder wanted me to have a tantrum and scream, "I don't wanna grow up!!" and never return back to the office but instead get on I-40E as quickly as possible and feed my hedonism by sitting on the beach for the rest of my days. But then the angel on my other shoulder kicked in and said "Stop it, you are so blessed to have a job and an education and family and boyfriend and friends who love you." And for that day at least, I went with the angel.
But, let's get back to the whole post-grad money situation. I think, at least in my case anyways, that people are actually worse post-grad (financially at least) because your parents stop paying for all your crap and it's all your responsibility now. No more weekend shopping trips for a cute new outfit with Mom and her credit card. Now its weekend shopping trips to Home Goods cause you're looking for things you wouldn't even think you would need to buy at 22 years old, like curtains and vases and decorative benches. Suddenly, you'd rather spend money on patio furniture than a hot clubbing dress.
And then there's the issue of staying in shape. Somebody please tell me how I ate whatever I wanted in college and worked out occasionally and stayed the same size? Now, I feel like Jello. That’s right, a blob of Jello. I guess that's what sitting at a desk all day will do. I've considered being one of those nerds who sits on an exercise ball instead of a chair at my desk. I've also considered bringing free weights and doing bicep curls when my workload is minimal. But for some reason, I don't think the attorneys would like it if I broke out in sit-ups or jumping jacks in my cubicle after lunch. So I've resorted to waking up at 6:30 a.m. and going to the gym at my apartment complex before work. At least my roommate has agreed to come with so it's not as terrible. Never in my most imaginative dreams did I foresee myself waking up at 6:30 a.m. to exercise. But my only other option is to work out half asleep after work when my puppy needs my attention since she's been in her crate all day. So 6:30 a.m. it is. But hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do - no more Jello please.
And lastly, there's the issue of grocery shopping. You can't just buy the normal processed foods you were used to eating in college. There's all this pressure to come home from work when you're exhausted and all you want to do is sit your ass on the couch and veg out all night. Sometimes I just want to eat hamburger helper - not the kind that you buy the meat separately for, but the kind that comes in a little bowl already made and all you have to do is microwave it. But sigh, I'm a young professional, I have to make something healthy and learn how to cook so I can be a good wife one day. And all I keep thinking is - "what the hell would I do if I had kids thrown into this equation?" I've learned to really admire my parents for working full-time and being full-time taxi drivers for me and my brothers and for keeping their marriage strong and for doing everything they did that now I'm about to have to do in a few years and I have no idea how I'll be able to do it.
For today, I will be cheesy and leave you with this quote until my next posting of post-grad exciting/non-exciting events:
“So often we try to alter circumstances to suit ourselves, instead of letting them alter us, which is what they are meant to do.” -Stolen from one of my Facebook friend’s about me section.
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