Choosing to See

I apologize for not writing in such a long time! I guess the writing bug hasn't been biting me as frequently as I would like. Today's post might seem a bit Eeyore and I'm sorry for that. As you may or may not know, I recently had to say goodbye to my sweet 5 month old puppy, Stella, after a tragic accident. I won't go into the details because honestly, I haven't cried yet today and I'd like to try and keep it that way.

On Sunday night, after the accident, my mom and brother came to town to stay with me for the night. My mom brought along a book by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife - he's a Christian singer if you haven't heard of him) called "Choosing to See." As I stood in my bathroom, taking off what little make-up my tears didn’t wash off, my mom came in with the book and said "I bought this book thinking it would help me, but maybe God meant it for you." You see, my family is not new to tragedy. We lost my dad just 3 years ago due to a brain aneurysm. When the vet told us Stella wasn't going to make it, it was like a wound that hadn't fully healed had just ripped back open - leaving me heartbroken, exposed, vulnerable, dependent, guilty, and insane with grief. Now say what you want, "oh she was just a dog" "you shouldn't be that upset over an animal"- but I don't care, Stella was my baby.

I started reading the book Wednesday and couldn't put it down. I tried my best (to no avail) to hold back the tears as I read at my desk, or in the break room eating lunch, or outside in the courtyard, and even in my bed where my little girl had laid beside me just a few days prior. Today is Friday and I'm already finished reading it! I don't want to turn this post into a book review, but I just want to share how it's helped me get through these first few days without my baby girl.

In short, the book is about Mary Beth's life and how it hasn't turned out as she planned. It's centered on the death of her 5 year old daughter, Maria. Her 17 year old son, Will, accidentally hit her with his car while coming into their driveway. The beginning of the book focuses a lot on Mary Beth's struggles throughout her entire life, not just her daughter's death. Again, not going into a book review, but she faced a lot of hard times and she's struggled with God to understand why these things happen, how she is supposed to go on, what happens next, etc.

I have to be honest here, when I first started reading it I thought, "Ok, I'll read about someone with a really bad life and it will make me feel better about my life." But that's not at all how I feel about it now that I've finished reading it. Throughout the book, she includes scriptures and lyrics from her husband's songs that just seem to speak to my heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I, like Mary Beth and her family, have been struggling with guilt. Mary Beth thinks she should have been watching Maria when the accident happened. Will wishes he would have seen Maria as he drove into the driveway. Shaoey (another one of Mary Beth's daughters) thinks she shouldn't have told Maria to go get Will and ask him to help her on the monkey bars. And me - I think I should have stayed home, I shouldn't have left my little girl, and I should never have taken off her E-collar. There's still a major part of me that still believes the guilt, but reading how they worked through their unnecessary remorse is helping me deal with mine.

When I finished the book, all I kept thinking was how life on Earth is sort of like when I'm watching a movie with a happy ending that I've already seen before. I watch the character go up and down. They experience all this happiness in the beginning and then all of a sudden they face hard times - whether it's their partner cheating on them or somebody dying or losing their job or whatever it is, their life sucks according to them. And I'm just sitting there watching it all happen, but I know how things are going to turn out in the end because I've already seen the movie, so I just want to reach through the screen and grab them and scream, EVERYTHING REALLY IS GOING TO BE OKAY, stop worrying, just wait until the end of the movie!

It's kind of like how all these things are destined to happen in our lives- whether it's good or bad things - but God knows how everything is going to work out in the end. He's always known. He knew even before we were all born what was going to happen to us. You've just got to trust that He knows what He's doing. I wonder if He's sitting up there in Heaven (like me re watching the movie) screaming at his children going through tough times, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY IN THE END, just trust me!

I remember a few months ago I read somewhere how bold it is to pray for God's will - that we really have to be careful when we pray for it and really mean it when we say it. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I pray for God's will in my life all the time, it's not that crazy." Then things started NOT going the way I had planned and now I'm kicking myself saying "why did I ask for His will, I want MY will!!" But then I realized no matter what I asked for, it's his plans and they're going to happen whether I like it or not. And I've just got to trust that He knows what He's doing.

This got me thinking about graduation day at my Alma mater, where it's tradition to decorate your cap. One of the things I put on my cap was one of my dad's favorite scriptures (and now mine), Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." If I only knew on graduation day how true those words of scripture would continue to be in every aspect of my life…

Getting back to the book, Mary Beth often talks about how God sent her little reminders after Maria's passing to let her know that she was okay. The first reminder was the word "SEE" that little Maria had written. Mary Beth's husband, Steven, found it in some of Maria's artwork. She was only in preschool and knew how to write a limited amount of words (SEE wasn't one of them). They guessed that Maria must have copied it from a list of words her sister, Stevey Joy, was trying to learn. They laughed and cried and thought of their Maria in Heaven saying, "SEE!? Everything's going to be okay!" "Seeing", especially CHOOSING to see, continues to be prevalent throughout the book, and now, as a result, in my own life.

After reading about these little reminders from Heaven, I found myself full with envy of a reminder for myself. In the past two days since I started reading the book, I've been looking everywhere! My boyfriend, Derek, and I, in an effort to get our minds off everything, went shopping last night. While out, I was secretly searching for a message from my girl in Heaven. I looked for her name on key chains, I looked for dogs that looked like her, I looked for paw prints - in other words, I was looking way too hard! I didn't get my message when I wanted it, but I did indeed get it….let me tell you how.

Prior to Stella's accident, I was in a sort of battle with God to understand why it was taking so long for Derek to find a job. After nine tedious months of filling out applications, networking, writing cover letters and constant praying, God finally brought him one. He actually just started last Monday and he loves it! I'm so happy for him, but I still didn't understand why God let it take nine months for it to happen. I didn't realize why until this morning actually, when God spoke to me. Now, in other times throughout my life, I thought He had spoken to me, but I was never quite sure - never confident enough that it was actually Him as opposed to my conscience. Today was different.

Ok I lied, He spoke to me after Stella's accident when I was driving home from Derek's house. I cried out loud to him, angry and in shock, and demanded to know why he had taken my Daddy 3 years ago and now my little girl. I screamed out loud, "What do you want from me?" All He said was, "you."

Back to this morning. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, just finishing up my normal shower routine, and all of a sudden it was there, right in my soul. I don't know how to describe it other than I just knew. It was almost as if God just implanted the words in my head. It just felt like relief, understanding and peace.

What He spoke was that He didn't give Derek a job for so long because he was destined to be with Stella. Almost every day since we got our precious girl on July 2, she spent the day with Derek while he was home job hunting. She had major separation anxiety and usually freaked out whenever we had to leave her home alone. It just made perfect sense that God chose Derek to be with Stella. Hearing what He said still didn't negate the fact that I was heartbroken and would do anything to get my little girl back, but it at least gave me some peace. And made me smile.

God spoke to my soul that he brought Stella to us so we could experience, first hand, her true and unconditional love, just as His love is for us. We gave her the best home any puppy could ask for and tried to be the best parents as we knew how. While spending her days at Derek's house, she made a best friend in Derek's roommate's pit bull, Luna. Everyday at 6:00pm, I scooted out of work as fast as I could to see my Derek and Stella! I feel so content in knowing that the majority of Stella's life was not spent at home alone while Mommy and Daddy were at work, but instead with those she loved the most around her constantly. I was also sick at home with what I think was a sinus infection on the day before she was taken to Heaven. We spent the entire day together in bed snuggling and enjoying being together. I think God blessed me with sickness that day so I could have one last day alone with her.

Another little reminder from God was what I found when I came back to work on Tuesday. Months ago, I had taken a note in my e-mail of a scripture that I thought was so powerful - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Through my zombie state, I happened to stumble upon the note I had written to myself months prior. It had a new meaning now and was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment to give me hope. I believe that God gave me that scripture months ago, knowing what would happen, so that I could find it when I needed it most and stand in awe of his faithfulness, mercy, and grace.

So here I am, writing this, not even a full week after Stella's death. Thank you so much to all of you who have lifted us up in prayer the past few days. Please continue to do so. I don't have things figured out, and I realize that I never will. Although God has given me peace and comfort already and I know He will continue to do so, I also know that the road ahead is still long and full of sadness. I'll leave you today with two of the many quotes from "Choosing to See" that absolutely warmed my heart and soul and made me SEE, that God, in fact, is GOOD!

"May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself."

"We believe that even those children who may not survive for very long are still little treasures whom God has put in our world to reveal something unique about Himself."